Missing Pieces

                                            

                                                                                                            

 

This post is a little long, but I didn't really think it lent itself to parts one and two. So please bear with me.

This day. NOTHING has gone right. I needed to use my computer this morning. Doug needed to use my computer first. It was for a good reason, so I just started the next thing on my list. 

I needed to register for a new patient visit at a place I've never been to before, and it's a portal I've never used before. (By the way, what the heck is wrong with paper and pen?? Just sayin'.) I tried previously to sign in, but I had the last 2 places of the "provider ID" incorrect. It was II.  But it didn't have the sticks on the top and bottom, so it looked like one one. So obviously that didn't work. I figured out the code ended in letters...so today I go back to the link I was given, and clicked the "create an account" button.

I carefully typed all of the information in the boxes, and clicked "Create". The computer whirred for a moment, and then I had this message pop up: "Unable to create account. No patient information was located in the system."

{Imagine me, beating my head against the table. Repeatedly.}

I tried using our 9 digit zip code. Nope. Couldn't create the account because I didn't exist. My frustration level rose higher and higher. I had emailed the person I got the oh-so-well-written instructions from the previous time when I made the mistake with the last two letters of their provider code. He never wrote back. That was April something. I emailed him again, not responding to the email he sent me, but creating a new email entirely. Hopefully I'll get an answer this time as to why I can't CREATE an account because I don't have an account. 

Obviously, something is missing. 

Earlier I was trying to put a picture at the top of my blog. For whatever reason, it just would. not. work. I tried everything. Copy, paste. Download. Copy URL. NADA. Zip. Nothing. Grrrr.....

Then Doug needed me to help with our houseplants.  Which ones to keep, which ones to put outside, which ones were too dead... I started trimming one plant, and it was taking forever. Then I started trimming another one, because it looked absolutely awful. 

I have a broken foot currently. Stress fracture. The worst thing for it is walking or standing on it. I saw my foot doc a week ago, and he told me I was allowed to be on it 10 minutes per HOUR. I was on my feet FOR an hour with the plants. 

I think my BRAIN was missing earlier.  Not just pieces of it, but the whole darn thing. 

I've been at a point of frustration and discouragement for the last 17 months. 2022 was the WORST year of my life. EVERY month something horrible happened. In January, we got Covid 2.0. (We had it in January 2020 when it was supposedly just getting to the U.S. I was in the hospital for a week with that one. So the second time we got it, I just called it 2.0. The following September, we got it AGAIN, so 3.0 it was!)

In February, my husband fell on the ice in our driveway and tore his rotator cuff. Completely. Traumatically. That's what the surgeon said 2 MONTHS later. Yes, MONTHS. (Thank you Priority Health insurance for NOTHING.) We went to the ER, and they did an x-ray. That's IT. I said to the doctor, "X-rays don't show soft tissue damage." He said, "You are correct."  I'm like then do something else! Nope. Insurance wouldn't pay for it. 

I'd love to go on about how I felt at that moment, and what I DIDN'T say...but that would be a novel unto itself.

So all through the rest of February and March I was fighting with the insurance company. They wanted him to do physical therapy. The physical therapist said he couldn't physically do it...and yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah.

In the beginning of April, my parents got in a car accident. My dad was in the hospital for 8 days, then succumbed to his injuries. He had a good life; but he was 83, quite frail, and not in good health at this time. He is in heaven whole, happy, seeing again, and breathing better than ever.

At the END of April, 2.5 months after his initial injury, my husband finally had surgery to fix his shoulder. 

In May, we had my dad's memorial. My brother had been SO sick, the doctor wouldn't clear him to go on a plane until they had answers. He had been sick for like 6 weeks by this point.  FINALLY they figured out what was wrong, started treating him with the RIGHT antibiotics and he was able to fly.    

And the year went on; every. month. something. different. yet. equally. awful. happened.

Missing pieces. My brother was missing the crucial piece he needed to get over his illness: the exact diagnosis so the proper medication could be administered. 

FINALLY, it was 2023, and I thought, YES!!! 2022 is over!! It's a brand new year!

We made it 20 days into January before we got sick, and on the same day, I fell outside trying to find our new dog.  I tweaked my ankle, as it didn't turn with the rest of my body, which decided a 180 was in order to faceplant instead of falling on my butt. Apparently when that happened, I created a stress fracture on my 4th metatarsal. My foot started hurting maybe a week or so later. I had an appointment with my neurologist for something else, so I asked her.  She said call the foot doc. So I did, but couldn't get in til February 28. I could barely walk because of the pain. That's when I found out the bone was fractured. The WORST thing you can do to a stress fracture is put pressure on it. Which is exactly what I had been doing for the last month. 

(FYI, my foot is STILL fractured.) 

I'm a Christian. A Jesus-follower. I believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I believe that the only way to heaven is through Jesus Christ, the Son of God who was crucified for MY sin, and was raised by the Father 3 days later. Why is this important right here, right now? 

Because I am STRUGGLING. People who follow Jesus struggle just like any other human being on the planet. Some more than others.  I don't have the corner on the market of suffering by any means, don't get me wrong. I've never had my hand cut off for reading the Bible. Or my head.

But I am really and truly struggling. I've had chronic pain since June of last year. Yes, I've had aches and pains, the trach hurts at times, but never really intense, chronic pain. Until June of 2022. It's one thing I have never been able to handle well. And I'm not handling it well now. I'm exhausted. I have sacroilitis, which is like sciatica, except the pain doesn't shoot down my leg. Thank GOD for that! But my tush feels like it's getting zapped by lightening at random intervals during the day AND night...I can't roll over without a well thought out, well executed plan of attack.

The piriformis is a TEENY muscle that sits directly over the sciatic nerve. MY piriformis muscle is pressing down on my sciatic nerve. When it spasms, now THAT'S a special kind of pain. Pain is all encompassing. It's jealous...it wants all your attention. It's wearing. I. Am. Worn.

I struggle with why God is continuing to let this be a problem! I've prayed. I've cried out. I've pleaded. I've asked others to pray. I'm doing exercises to help. I'm going to the chiropractor.  I'm doing everything I possibly can, with no relief. The stress fracture is also effecting the issue, so as long as my foot is messed up, my tush will be too. 

I was reminded today of 2 verses God first led me to when I found out in 2000 that I most likely had an incurable, neuromuscular disease. It is Isaiah 55:8-9 (ESV)  "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." 

And what I pictured was a giant jigsaw puzzle.  All I can see are the pieces directly connected to mine. MAYBE one over. But there may be a missing piece next to me. Or, I may be the missing piece to complete a section of the puzzle. God is the only one who sees the whole puzzle, and knows what it will look like when it is completed. I truly don't see how me being in pain is contributing to the grand scheme of things, but.... God does. I'm not Paul. I can't rejoice in my suffering. I know God's strength is made perfect in weakness. And I'm WEAK. The condition I have, Myasthenia Gravis, makes my muscles weak. When I have pain, and a broken bone, my body is already dealing with a lot.  And that makes my muscles weaker.  It's a pretty nasty cycle.

So I guess I really am trying to encourage someone out there.... Hang in there. God DOES have something in mind. As I said in my previous post, I'd rather hear a "no" from God than "wait." I don't know what I'm waiting for other than pain relief, but I'm trying to hang on to my faith. Something's gotta give soon. I just hope it's not me.