Why Me? Why Not?

I have had the worst 18 months of my life. 2022 was a nightmare. A complete and total nightmare.  I was so happy that 2023 was arriving! Well, I made it 20 days into 2023, and then I got sick, AND broke my foot when I fell going to find Shadow. I walked on said foot for over a month before I finally got in to the foot doctor. (I didn't call right away,  but I called mid-February, and didn't get in for 2 weeks. I told them I couldn't walk, but that didn't speed things up at all.)

So the doc did x-rays, and discovered a stress fracture. It wasn't even the same bone I broke 4 years ago! They gave me this sad little black shoe that was miles too big and told me to stay off my feet. Well, I don't always follow doctor's orders.  I know, I know, shocker, huh? So I've been on it way too much since then. 

Last June (way before this fracture), I started having problems with my back and right hip (and bum!). A year later, I'm still having problems. Since I broke my foot, I've had a horrible "pain in the butt" (literally).  It keeps getting worse.  This past Tuesday I went to the chiropractor, and I was in a LOT of pain. I kept hearing a popping noise in my back, which was accompanied by sharp, stabbing pain. This happened pretty much any time I moved. Wonderful.  Well, I had a rib out. SO. She fixed that, but I had to go back this past Thursday, because I had the same thing lower in my back, and in my tush. The popping was back. This time is was a thoracic vertebrae. 

I do NOT handle chronic pain well at all. I have been through a LOT in the last 27 years.  Needles the size of fork tines shoved into my arms; at least 3000 pokes. Yes, 3,000. I've had my trach for 23 years; changing it literally requires pulling it out of my neck and shoving it back in. I've done that 150 times at least...I'm sure it's more than that. NOW I have to do it every 2 weeks. I've had EMG's. Spinal taps. I've had it all. I deal (ineffectively) with pain from fibromyalgia. (I still complain.) But this constant, chronic, mind-numbing pain is another beast entirely.

Now, I have excruciating pain whenever I even slightly bend.  I get a pop and a zap in my bum every. single. time. It's HORRIBLE. And pretty much anyone I know, knows I'm in pain. And if they didn't, they do NOW! :)  I'm a whiner when it comes to pain. For real. Justifiable? Maybe. Understandable? Sure. Necessary? Absolutely not. 

I do not have a corner on the market for pain. There are so many people who have it worse than I do. Jesus, in the Sermon on the Mount, told the people to love their enemies (and no, I'm not saying I am God's enemy...read on); God demonstrated this principle in this way: "He makes the sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust." Matthew 5:45 ESV  The weather was so important in Jesus' time, because the people were dependent on the cultivation of the land. Therefore, God was providing for His enemies, and therefore, loving them.

Another concept that I want to point out (to myself just as much as to anyone else) is that God doesn't show favoritism. The Amplified Bible says this in Romans 2:11: "For God shows no partiality [no arbitrary favoritism; with Him one person is not more important than another.]"

God doesn't have favorites.  He's not partial to one person, or one type of people, or one denomination. He loves, judges, treats, everyone the same. 

So why NOT me? There are MANY people in this world that have chronic pain. Why should I think I should be exempt?  Because it's hard? Well, life is hard. I've had MG (Myasthenia Gravis) longer than I haven't. I've almost died more than once. Doctors of all kinds told me I was crazy, and that I was manifesting my symptoms. I've been poked, prodded, jabbed, stabbed, scanned, scrutinized, studied, examined, and inspected in every nook and cranny of my being. And that was just the doctors! 😁

My point (again, to myself first and foremost) is that I am not special. Yes, I've already been through a lot in my life.  More than most, probably. But I am not exempt from the crap this life dishes out. Could God stop it? Of course. But why should He stop MY pain and not my friend's pain, or my sister's pain? Just because He can, doesn't mean He will.  Or even should! I feel I have a lot to learn during this time. (But that doesn't mean I like it.)

I was not born with the "patience" gene. Nor was my father. So at least I come by it honestly! God has been trying to TEACH me patience since I was 12 years old. Probably even earlier. And I 

Still. 

Haven't. 

Learned. 

I got a speeding ticket earlier this year. The officer was very merciful. I DO drive more carefully, and obey the speed limit much more closely. But in every other area of my life, I'm still incredibly impatient. God has been trying to help me learn this fruit of the Spirit for a very long time. I really have no option but to listen...I can't go anywhere!

If you are able, and if you want to, please say a prayer for me. This is ridiculously hard for me.  I'll probably still whine and complain some, even though I know I shouldn't.  I am so very, very human! God IS good all the time, even when I'M having a hissy fit because He's not doing what *I* want!